The Rules of Bromance
by Twisted Schadenfreude
Summary: In which male bonding ensues. Written for the second challenge of luffy fan's Fairy Tail Writing Contest.


The whole 'it's fucking Armageddon' fiasco had been dealt with accordingly; nothing some Nakama power couldn't fix. Though it was only a matter of time before Fairy Tail managed to manoeuvre itself into the eye of the storm once more, they did what they could to enjoy the interval of calm that came before.

Two teammates of Fairy Tail B sat across each other at a pastry shop. Frankly, the blond was getting sick of bars, and the wanted fugitive needed to buy some brown nosing cheesecake for his lovely redhead lass.

"So you're telling me you spent seven years travelling with two hot chicks –who you've probably seen naked, I might add –and yet no course of action has been taken?" Laxus inquired crassly.

"Ultear and Meredy are like sisters to me."

"Okay, sure, I can understand that. But seriously –seven years of _nothing_?" he grinned. Jellal's face flushed beet red.

"I've been too busy to even think about a relationship. Furthermore, the whole point of what I'm doing is penance for my sins, and to have that bond with someone is certainly something I'm not worthy of. And besides," Jellal trailed off, his eyes trailing to the square package secured with a pretty scarlet ribbon.

Laxus hid his knowing smirk by sipping his coffee. Black, just how he liked it. He set the mug down and slumped back into his chair. They stayed for moments on in contented silence.

The blue haired man, however, noticed the dried coffee stains dribbling from the corner of Laxus's mouth. "You've got a little something right there," he said. He took a napkin, wet it with some saliva, and leaned over the table. His wrist was caught in mid-air before it even made it to within an inch of Laxus's face.

"What do you think you're doing, _Mystogan_?" Laxus growled menacingly as his grip on Jellal tightened. He gulped.

"I was just going to clean the speck of coffee on your –"

"No!" Laxus roared at the top of his lungs. Several other customers jumped at the sound of his sonorous cry. "I've seen a lot of things throughout my life, but never has another man tried to wipe my face clean with his spit! It's atrocious, it's a blatantly direct violation of the Bro Code, it –it –_it simply isn't done_!"

Jellal sweatdropped, and he was starting to feel conscious about the stares directed at them. He was still undercover, after all. He readjusted Mystogan's mask before turning to Laxus.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry! It's just that I haven't," he dropped his voice a key lower, "had any male friends for a long time."

Laxus's expression changed instantly. "What, really?"

Jellal nodded. "For most of my life, I've been under the control of dark magic, meaning most of my memories are quite hazy. What's more is that I was a complete and utter bastard to all my friends, and I even killed the man I considered my brother," he said, a pained look clouding his face. "And you know the rest of the story, I'm sure."

Laxus did, because he had gotten the mage drunk one night during the Grand Magic Games, and the blunette had willingly spilled all of his deepest, darkest secrets. That was how the Dragonslayer had found out someone had the hots for Titania. Jellal had probably spent the seven years sane and ridden with guilt and regret. Moreover, he hadn't had a bro to commiserate with. The sympathetic nature of a female was something even Laxus could admit he needed from time to time, but one fact was set in stone –every man needed a brother.

An idea popped into his head, and a mischievous smile spread through Laxus's face.

"I'll tell you what. I've done some pretty shitty things in my life too, so here's _my_ penance; I'm going to teach you how to be a bro again."

"What?"

"It's time you relearned your manners."

"…Well, okay then. Thank you, I guess, Laxus," Jellal said. He honestly had no idea what the other man was talking about, but he decided to act grateful anyway. As they stood up, he moved to hug the other man. Laxus held a hand out to stop him.

"Rule #1: bros can hug it out, but certain parameters apply. For a casual display of brotherly affection, we start with a handshake that turns into a half hug," Laxus explained, and his words were followed by a demonstration. Jellal nodded, pretending to be taking all of it in like a diligent student.

"However, if you really must give a full on hug –and note that the circumstances for this situation must be along the lines of one almost dying, one about to die, or one coming back from the dead –now, one hand needs to be smacking the other guy's back, like so," he said as he roughly pulled a startled Jellal into a tight embrace. The mage of Crime Sorciere winced as he felt the weight of Laxus's strong slap against his shoulders. That would leave a bruise, no doubt about it. "Now you."

Jellal awkwardly began to pat Laxus on the back, but the blond shook his head. "Smack, I said. It looks like you're comforting me about getting dumped when you pat me on the back, and makes me look pathetic. Never make your bro look pathetic. Try it again."

He was quite thankful Mystogan's mask obscured his entire face, because the whole thing was just too weird for him. Nevertheless, he considered Laxus a comrade and respected him as both a powerful mage and a person. He added more force to his next effort.

"Harder." He repeated this over and over again, until finally in mild frustration, Jellal finally hit him as hard as he would a dangerous enemy.

Laxus let out a satisfied sigh that sounded eerily similar to… Jellal really had to get his mind out of the gutter.

As they exited the shop, Jellal fearfully wondered if this story was going to be filled with an abundance of homoerotic undertones. The answer? Most definitely.

* * *

The stadium for the Grand Magic Games was packed yet again. Lyon had challenged Gray to a final showdown, with Juvia presiding as the unwilling adjudicator. Gray, never one to back down from a challenge with his manly pride at stake, had adamantly said "Anytime, anywhere." Natsu caught wind of the situation and asked for a match as well, and then Elfman joined in, followed by Quatro Cerberus team. Erza, standing close by, had smirked and asked to be included. Lucy was dragged into it, since the whole of Team Natsu was participating. The result was a miniature battle royale.

The first order of business remained priority. It opened with the two ice mages tearing off their clothing in a frenzy and having a go at each other. And yes, I worded it like that on purpose.

The new pair of friends made their way through the crowd to find seats. Laxus found a half empty row nearing the back of the stands. Glowering at people who looked like they had seen the available space as well (they hadn't of course, because at the mere sight of Laxus they had scampered away with their tails between their legs), Laxus made himself comfortable. Jellal was just about to settle in the seat beside. But as he lowered his fine arse down to meet the chair, he felt a hand at his bottom. His eyes widened as the hold pushed him back up to stand.

"Laxus, did you really just grope me?"

"What the hell are you talking about? Anyway, never mind, next rule. Since we're completely heterosexual male friends, we leave one seat open between us for much needed space. We're men, see? Same thing goes for the bathroom. Spread out when using the urinals."

"…Right."

"You see, when we're in such close proximity with each other, it implies that we're dating. Even the slightest hint that we are in something further beyond a platonic relationship is going to be taken to the extreme," Laxus expounded in detail. "I have no problems whatsoever with guys who swing that way –take Fried, for example. As a bro, however, I wish to make it clear to any potential copulatory partners that I am available."

Jellal nodded. Ridiculous as it sounded, it made sense. "Duly noted," he replied. "And, likewise."

They watched the exchange between the two. Jellal noted with interest the difference in their dynamic use of Ice Make magic. Lyon's creations were high on movement, which in his opinion, gave him a definite edge. However, Gray held his own by remaining creative in his own stationary sculptures. It evened out the match nicely.

The match lasted almost an hour. Lyon was declared the victor, winning only by a slight margin. Gray didn't see the eagle descending from the sky. The dragon was merely a decoy. Nevertheless, Fairy Tail's resident stripper was fuming by the end of it. Jellal didn't think he had much to be embarrassed or ashamed of. After all, the silver haired man had seven years of experience and training on him.

Finally, it was time to have some fun.

The lights dimmed, and a wrestling ring emerged from the floor. The rules were simple; once you were thrown over the ropes, you were out. It was a free for all, and amidst battle cries and punches already being thrown, Laxus Dreyar turned to his partner with a fierce grin. Jellal smiled back at him, because when it came down to it, they were men of combat. Working together would be an interesting occurrence.

"Charge!" someone cried from the stands, and that was all the catalyst that people needed for discourse. They jumped into the ring, all mages coming from different directions. How they all fit, Jellal would never know. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing, and pondering the capacity of the box was the last thing on his mind. All he knew was that he was throwing guys and girls over his shoulder left and right, and that it was exhilarating. He recognized some of them as mages of Lamia Scale, Quatro Cerberus, Mermaid Heel and Blue Pegasus, while others were mages of guilds that had been eliminated in the preliminaries. He took a moment to glance at Laxus, who was a force to be reckoned with. Erza, not far away, was an equally destructive entity, sending any soul unfortunate enough to cross her flying. Fairy Tail did not give the title of S-Class to just anyone.

Laxus caught his eye again, and they both had the same thoughts in mind. Combining Heavenly Body Magic and Lightning Dragonslaying Magic proved to be an unstoppable power, and even a jubilant Natsu was sent rocketing out of the stadium. His blonde had crawled out discreetly at the beginning.

It was down to the three of them –Jellal, Laxus, and a bloodthirsty Erza. Erza was in that mood where people could only be classified as two things: enemy, and already-defeated-enemy. Laxus felt like giggling when he pivoted on his heel and jumped over the top rope.

"Wait, where are you going?" Jellal yelped. "Isn't this a breach of the Bro Code or something?"

"Nope," Laxus said shortly.

Groaning, Jellal took one glance at his opponent and decided to get serious. Regardless of whether he loved that woman enough to die for her, she was still the mighty Titania. Personally, Jellal found her quite attractive when she looked like she was about to tear him limb from limb.

He always knew he was a masochist. It was pretty kinky, actually.

* * *

Their last day in Crocus involved revisiting the newly renovated waterpark, Ryuuzetsu Land. Natsu Dragneel had been banned for life, and thus Lucy grudgingly remained behind to comfort the sulking Salamander. That time around, Meredy and Ultear insisted on going. Jellal had tried to dissuade them, saying that it was a sure way to have their cover blown, but the girls remained resolute. Ultear managed to appease him with a simple spell that made others see their faces differently.

The moment they had arrived, the two ran off in different directions, leaving him at the entrance carrying all of their stuff. Jellal shook his head emphatically. Of course.

He left to find an area to sit, and settled in one of the tanning chairs. He placed all their luggage, beach balls, floatation devices, picnic basket, and sunscreen lotion beside him on the floor. He took the lotion, and applied it to his open areas –namely, arms, legs, and chest. Jellal harboured a deep secret that only Erza, Ultear, and Meredy knew; he burned easily under the sun.

He saw Laxus walking toward him out of the corner of his eye. He waved at him. Laxus frowned and crossed his arms as he stood in front of Jellal.

"Bros do not fucking wave at each other. A simple nod would be sufficient to acknowledge my presence. Down nods are for polite acquaintances and fellow men, while up nods are a greeting for casual friends. Capisce?"

Jellal nodded his head up and down. "Got it."

Satisfied, Laxus pushed him a little to make room for himself on the bench. Beaming smugly, Laxus took a pair of sunglasses from his pockets and fitted them over his eyes. "This is more like it. The last time I was here, I had to babysit this dead chick."

Jellal raised his eyebrows and decided not to comment. Having been around Fairy Tail long enough, he was no stranger to their antics. He had seen some strange things himself in his time, considering who he was. Pushing those thoughts aside, he decided to enjoy this kind-of vacation, a nice break from running around and fighting dark mages. Suddenly, he remembered something.

"Hey, Laxus? Would you mind putting sunscreen on my back?" he asked sheepishly. Half of him already knew the answer.

"Of course I would mind," Laxus replied. "Bros don't rub sunscreen on each other. That's just plain weird."

"But I burn easily."

"Homoerotic undertones. We don't want that, now, do we?" Jellal sighed.

"I guess not." Being a bro was quite reliant on being image conscious, in his opinion.

"I can, however, provide you with a better alternative. OI, TITANIA!"

"What do you want, Laxus?" Erza asked as she approached them, thoroughly annoyed at his tone. She spotted Jellal, and offered him a sly smile. He could feel his stomach doing very strange and uncomfortable twisty things.

"Mystogan here burns easily, and can't reach his back. Would you dreadfully mind applying sunblock on him?" Laxus said, feigning innocence. Her face colored to match her hair. Meanwhile, Jellal could feel his innards exploding.

"No, it's alright, Erza, you don't have to," Jellal hastily amended, blushing profusely.

"It's fine, it's fine!" Erza squeaked, and quickly moved away. She took an awful lot of time putting sunblock on her hands.

"Well?" Laxus whispered as the girl was distracted. "I believe something needs to be said, directed at me."

"I love you."

Laxus shook his head and corrected him yet again. "It's never _I love you_. It's more of an _I love ya_ or _an I love you, man_."

Jellal wouldn't question his genius anymore. The man was onto something, he could finally see it. "Right, right."

And with that, Laxus left the two of them alone. Much as he would love to enjoy the amusing show of two extremely powerful mages blushing like school children, a bro was not a cock block. He was a wingman.

* * *

The entirety of Fairy Tail went to see of their allies from Crime Sorciere. It would have been highly suspicious, given the number of people from their guild, but these were the mages of Fairy Tail we're talking about. When the universe is good to them, the universe really is good to them.

They were posted on the outskirts of the city. There was still officially a celebration for their triumph over the entire dragon ordeal, but it would be best for the trio of fugitives to leave discreetly. Meredy was hugging Juvia, Ultear was giving last minute sisterly advice to Gray, as well as a message to pass on to Lyon, and Jellal was left to his goodbyes as well.

He would save Erza for last.

Having finished bidding farewell to Natsu and Gray (and living through their blessings on his relationship with Erza, as well as a threat to pummel him into the dirt if he made her cry), he moved on to his newest friend.

"Does the real hug protocol apply yet?" he asked jokingly.

"You aren't going to die, asshole, so no," Laxus responded. Jellal chuckled, and took something from the pocket lining of his coat. He handed it to the blond.

"This is a Lacrima Communicator. It's become a commodity for the past seven years, but since you guys have been MIA, you might not have had the time to catch up on these trends. These things are pretty useful, however. I can teach you how to use it," Jellal offered.

Laxus studied the dials of numbers and letters. He shook his head. "I'll figure it out."

"Okay, then. I've already put my number in the contacts. Whenever you need me, just call, alright?"

"Likewise."

Jellal took his own communicator from his pocket and sent him a message.

_Thanks for everything, Laxus. I learned a lot _

_Last lesson before you leave. I might be new to all this, but I'm pretty sure bros do not send smiley faces or whatever shit like that is to one another. _

Their paths would no doubt cross again.

* * *

**omake, sort off

And the most important rule is…

"Jellal! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU SICK BASTARD?"

"I'm eating a nutritious snack."

"EAT YOUR FUCKING BANANA, BUT DON'T EVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH A BRO WHILE IT'S IN YOUR GOD DAMN MOUTH. JESUS CHRIST."

* * *

**A/N:** The end. What the hell did I just write? Anyway, this was written for the second challenge of luffy fan's writing contest. I would honestly love to edit it a bit more, but I just needed to get it out here already so I could focus on other things. I'll go back to it in the future and fix it then.

Laxus is so OOC that a part of me thinks I should go drown myself. But honestly, it was quite fun writing him as such. Oh, my dear sweet Jelly-bean, it's so amusing to torture you so. Which is why you should just go make babies with Erza damn it.

Thank you for taking the time to read this! Any review, praise or critique, will be highly appreciated.

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN FAIRY TAIL.**


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